We’ve Only Just Begun

It is Friday (if i post this on time and if you read this in a timely manner) and FUCK YEA! FRIDAY!

The weekend is here and fall is in the air and it is making me one amped up cranky mother fucker. What IS that? It’s like the air has all this extra crap and dirt and bad voodoo in it. I hate you fall. Let’s just fast forward to pumpkin and candy day. Cool? Peaches.

So my friend Ryan is always sending me little internet Jewels and treasures. This is a thing I didn’t know EXISTED until he sent this precious gift from our lord my way. (I know so much Jesus lately!)

Friends, strangers, enemies (bitch you KNOW I AM TALKING TO YOU) – you need this in your life:

Superstar: The Karen Carpenter Story

(I do believe you can only watch this from a computer – WORTH IT)

Directed by Todd Haynes and released in 1987, it tells the compelling story of Karen Carpenter’s rise to fame and TRAGIC fall – but the best part – THIS SHIT IS ACTED OUT WITH BARBIE DOLLS.

I laughed, I gasped, I laughed some more, I couldn’t peel my eyes away. This is the best damn 43 minutes of your life you will ever spend. Thank you Ryan. Thank you Todd Haynes.

THANK YOU AMERICA.

You are welcome friends.

Oh and did you know there are two apartment buildings in Downey, CA that Karen’s crazy fucking brother Richard bought?

Bittersweet Susie

Downey is kinda rad! So who is moving in with me?

Homework:

• What was your favorite part of the film?

• Do you hate the Carpenter’s music as much as I Do?

• When are we going to Downey?

See you soon friends – That new haircut you got is BOSS!

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The Pintester Rolls On – Vol 3

Hello again friends!

It has been so dang busy around here! And not in the FUN way.

Can we real talk for one moment? What the hell SEPTEMBER is almost over? What happened to my summer? I completely missed it! I don’t remember participating in it one bit. It never got hot, I never went to the beach. I think I took a swim once! I want a REMATCH. As much as I love Halloween fall can FUCK RIGHT OFF. I am not ready. I am hitting the snooze button on this one. Take your pumpkin bread and SHOVE it.

Okayyyyyy – what we are here for – let’s get to it – to it.

Remember my other rumbles with testing those Pinterest pins? Check them out if you haven’t. Go look again anyways, I’ll wait.

Round 1 – Image Transfers

Round 2 – Leave room for Jesus

pintester-movement-500-plain

Well today is another PINTESTER MOVEMENT – round 3 for me! I was a little LATE to the party on this one. I went looking through saved pins for something quick. That’s the point of some of these pin’s right? Life hacks, quick meals and SNACKS. Well this time I actually need something quick and easy so this is a REAL LIFE TEST. Real life folks. FOR REALS.

Go on over and check out what all the other testers are working on at the Pintester Movement – I promise it will be worth it!

And check out Sonia’s Site – Pintester for all round hilarity

I decided to try the 2 – Minute Chocolate Chip Cookie for One

A couple things to note here:

A chocolate chip cookie, FOR ONE. Could there anything more sad cat lady than that? Oh don’t mind me, in my sweatpants, on a friday night, making a GIANT COOKIE for me, myself, and I. Thanks Pinterest for making me feel awesome! The worst part is I got a flu shot on friday and I was feeling under the weather, and made this in mah sweatpants. I will mention they were my fanciest sweatpants though.

Here is the recipe:

Ingredients

  • 2 tbsp (3O grams) unsalted butter,softened
  • 1 1/2 tbsp (2O grams) white granulated sugar
  • 1 1/2 tbsp (2O grams) brown sugar
  • 2 tbsp (3Oml) beaten egg
  • 1/4 tsp vanilla extract
  • 5 tbsp (60 grams) all purpose flour
  • 1/4 tsp baking soda
  • pinch salt
  • 1/4 cup (40 grams) chocolate chips

That’s it. No other instructions. No when to add, how to mix. SUPER. I picked a winner here friends. You are WELCOME.

Since I bake cookies often I just went in the order I would do that. Here we go:

Everything worth anything starts with butter….

Bittersweet Susie | Pintester Movement

Bittersweet Susie | Pintester Movement

2 dang tablespoons – for one – one for each of your buttcheeks. These are supposed to be softened.

Bittersweet Susie | Pintester Movement

Annnd too much. Oh well – off to a smashing start. Next add the brown and white sugars.

Bittersweet Susie | Pintester Movement

This is an equal opportunity cookie. That is a lot of goddamn sugar for one cookie.

Bittersweet Susie | Pintester Movement

Next we add two tablespoons of a beaten egg. This part annoyed the crap out of me. Egg waster.

And it was hard to measure. Mix Mix Mix. Fork Fork Fork.

Bittersweet Susie | Pintester Movement

Now add flour, vanilla (that’s the dark spot) baking soda and some salt!

Bittersweet Susie | Pintester MovementThis looks like is is going to be DRY and reminds me of easy bake batters.

I have an easy bake oven – I should have popped it in there  – next time!

Bittersweet Susie | Pintester Movement

1/4 cup of chocolate chips! SO MANY! of course anything with THIS MUCH is going to taste good! CHEATERS!

Bittersweet Susie | Pintester Movement

Since there are no instructions I am assuming the 2 mins was the cook time?  On High? Sure!

Bittersweet Susie | Pintester Movement

Nuking the ever loving shit out of my cookie. Contemplating what has gone wrong in my life.

I think I see jesus in the reflection.

Bittersweet Susie | Pintester Movement

Here it is folks. Overwhelmed aren’t you. Meh. Me too.

Bittersweet Susie | Pintester Movement

This tastes like an ok stale, dry cake. It was ok. Mom and Dad joined in the tasting (they are GREAT SPORTS) Mom said ehhhh – as we kept eating.

Dad said, It’s good, but walked away. That means he was being polite. The walk away is a true sign.

Bittersweet Susie | Pintester Movement

We put chocolate sauce on, MINOR improvement.

Final notes:

Oh where do I begin. I don’t know why I continued with a pin that had no instructions. If you have all these baking ingredients – MAKE A REAL FUCKING COOKIE, maybe a whole dozen. Share them with others. This cooking for one in the microwave is dumb. That being said I ate the entire thing.

Homework:

• Have you seen Jesus in your microwave?

• Do you have a favorite snack/microwave recipe?

• Should I have used more chocolate chips?

• Can I have your cat?

Until next time – don’t be a stranger!

 

Knoxapocalypse!

Hello Everyone! How are things? Oh, that sounds nice…

Have I told you all about one of my most FAVORITE BLOGS EVER? I haven’t? Well how very rude of me. Please forgive me friends, I know not what I do. The Mid Century Menu is pretty much the single greatest idea for a blog, EVER. Retro Ruth is the keeper of a treasure trove of Mid Century cookbooks and Recipes. Along with featuring the great artwork, kitschy titles, wacky ingredients, and eBay listings so readers can start their own collection she also has started to make one vintage recipe a week. Really. She tries a vintage, cray, holy shit that looks gross, no thank you I am full recipe EVERY WEEK and then makes her husband Tom try it first. I am PRETTY sure he is a willing participant. She is all sorts of awesome – I wouldn’t say no to her EITHER. Please head over there and check it out, you will not regret it! Oh maybe wait an hour after a big meal? LIKE SWIMMING!

When I saw the opportunity to participate in a gelatin vintage recipe test I JUMPED for a chance to play. If Lance Bass offered you his spot on the 110 second Nsync reunion tour, you would take it, RIGHT? DUH! (that was some crap JUSTIN STAGE HOG MOVING ON)

The participants and I were given some rules, cause Mid Century cooking means BUSINESS:

It’s Knox Apocalypse Part II, and you have been chosen to take part! Here are the rules:
1. NO SUBSTITUTIONS
2. Recipes should be from your own collection
3. Original pictures of the recipe aren’t required, but are preferred!
4. It MUST contain gelatin in some form.
Here are the other WONDERFUL participants – I am putting them up top because I have a feeling this post is going to be wordy! GO CHECK THEM OUT YO!
Emily – Olive Wreath Mold
Erica – Betty Davis’s Mustard Ring
Brian – Maple Fluff
Mimi – Molded Avocado and Tuna
Jenny – Turkey In Aspic
Ruth – Pickle and Pineapple Salad
I am stoked to be in this lineup – all these blogs rock my socks, bookmark this shit ASAP.
How this worked: We each sent Ruth a recipe and then she scrambled them up and divided them out! I was really nervous during the in between that my VERY WORST FEAR EVER IN THE WHOLE UNIVERSE WOULD COME TRUE:

PLEASE BABY JESUS NO TUNA!

You guys, if i get tuna – I WILL FOR SURE BARF. This is serious! I waited, stomach in knots! Finally, the email came:

NOT TUNNNAAAAA! But Holy crap, this looks EXTRA GROSS TOO.

Knoxapocalypse | Bittersweet Susie

Ok – what the HELL is nonfat dry milk – GAG – BLEH! And VERY RIPE Cantaloupe! SUPER! Can’t wait.

So confession time friends, I hate jello. I won’t really eat it (and by really I mean EVER) but I LOVE making it. I feel like I am doing science experiments or potions or something. Maybe if I say some magic words this will come out of my jello mold in one piece!

Deep breaths – pep talk – theme song? I think this FOR SURE calls for a theme song:

OH JUST KIDDING (but if you have not watched that yet you go ahead and treat YOURSELF)

THIS:

Let’s DO THIS!

Bittersweet Susie | Knoxapocalypse

I washed off my Tupperware Jello mold set. This was my mom’s and she was slightly amused to see it being put to use. We both appreciate the design of the jello molds, just wish it wasn’t so GROSS AND JIGGLY. Mom’s memories of jello’s of her youth – cabbage, green peppers, and PIMENTOS floating in JELLO – it was GROSS!

Bittersweet Susie | Knoxapocalypse

The recipe calls for a whole extremely ripe cantaloupe. This spells T R O U B L E from the start. Mine was ripe enough. My apologies for wasting you you gorgeous thing you. You went for a good cause though. God Speed.

Bittersweet Susie | Knoxapocalypse

Mash with fork. KISS MY ASS. SMASH with awesome potato masher. HULK SMASSSHHHHHHHHH.

Bittersweet Susie | Knoxapocalypse

Right? I would be here all damn night with a fork. Stupid.

Bittersweet Susie | Knoxapocalypse

Add gelatin to cold water to soften. The store had knox. I was under the misconception that Knox was no more but the knox was three times as much as the generic so KROGER it is friends. Only the best for you because I love you. No one is going to eat this anyways.

Bittersweet Susie | Knoxapocalypse

Now you have something that looks like Slimer might have left it behind. Quick, get a toaster, play it some tunes and let’s see if it dances!

Bittersweet Susie | Knoxapocalypse

OK, so i added the gelatin to the smashed cantaloupe and then heated it up, it’s not smelling great because warm cantaloupe is NOT its natural habitat. Then let it cool to watch it thicken. It never really thickened. Hrmmmmm.

Bittersweet Susie | Knoxapocalypse

And now: the worst part. Non fat dry milk. What is this stuff for? Who invented it? Why does it still exist? I have so many questions! I added non fat dry milk, water, lemon juice, and vanilla and was instructed to whip it into a frenzy until it formed stiff peaks. THAT. NEVER. HAPPENED. Not even little bunny hills. It just smelled like baby spit up. Not a fan. BLEH.

Bittersweet Susie | Knoxapocalypse

It all was “folded” together, which didn’t really work because the fluffy milk part was a syrupy failure. I swirled it around and prayed to sweet baby jesus AMEN. I was STOKED it actually fit in the mold. WOOO. Small victories.

And LOOOK! IT CAME OUT OF THE MOLD AND EVERYTHING!!

Bittersweet Susie | Knoxapocalypse

It smells like cantaloupe and sweet milk (baby spit up if you ask me). My dad was the VERY brave soul who was going to try this. He says he LIKES things like fruit cocktail, jello, SPAM, liver and onions which he never gets because my mom cooks awesome things like fancy salad with kale and home make dressing and lovely roast chicken. Maybe if he is lucky Santa will bring him some nice Vienna Sausages in a can for Christmas this year!

Ok Dad… You Ready??

Bittersweet Susie | Knoxapocalypse | Dad the test Subject

HE LOVES IT! BARFFFFF! (click on this to see it bigger – worth it)

Dad: “Tastes like the cantaloupe was over ripe – that’s the problem with it…”

Me: “Not the other crap it was floating in?”

Mom: “The only good thing about jello is JELLO SHOTS.” (clearly the voice of reason in this family)

Participating in this challenge was AWESOME! I really want to try more vintage recipes but I think I would have to find a new test audience every time. That, or I would have to keep my dad’s wine glass very full.

Thanks for sticking around for that EXTREMELY long post! I really like you guys.

Homework: (comment below)

• Do you have a vintage recipe you have always wanted to try?

• Do you have family recipe that you LOVE but might be kind of GROSS by modern standards?

• What is your stance on things floating in gelatin?

• How awesome are my parents?